We Lost the Baby

I called my doctors office yesterday about 3:30 to check on my HCG levels. The nurse told me that they normally don't call back about results until the following day. I told her, "Can you please check on this sooner then later? I have been waiting six days instead of the normal 2, due to the holiday weekend and I need to know for good state of mind. I just simply can't wait any longer. I need to know already if this is a viable pregnancy or not. So i can begin to heal and move on." She told me she would leave a message and get back with me. Five minutes later my NP called me to let me know that my numbers did indeed go down, so it does look like i am in the process of miscarrying. She also wanted me to come in right away to see my Doctor because she won't be in tomorrow. So I called Scott and he left work and met me there because i had to take Jackson with me. I didn't want his little ears in that office room with me. I don't know how much he would understand, but I don't want to be answering unnecessary questions from a 2 1/2 year old. This is hard enough as it is.

I knew in my heart that this was going to be the result we would be told. i was hanging on hope, but expecting the worst. My doctor told me that I most likely had a Blighted Ovum and that these were very common. But she is recommending a D&C on me due to the fact that I am still measuring 5 weeks but I am 9 weeks along. So that means that the sack has been passed away for some time now and yet my body isn't passing it on it's own. She said on a positive side as far as my body is concerned is that my uterus is nice and strong. That is why it is holding on so well. Some women will have a weak uterus and even with a viable baby, they could loose it because their body's can't stop bleeding. So when i have a healthy pregnancy it will hold. Which she knows is the truth since I had an absolutely perfect pregnancy with Jackson. I was sent home and told to think about when i would like to have my DandC. She said if i refused one she couldn't make me, but she doesn't encourage me waiting any longer then 2 weeks due to the fear of infection. My body is just taking too long to do what it should have done already 4 weeks ago at least.

This was one thing I really didn't want to do, but I understand her reasoning. I know some women that had to have an emergency D and C a few years ago and it was pretty scary. I don't want to have to go through that either. My doctor also told me that i didn't need to wait any longer to TTC after a D and C like I thought i did. So that is a relief. I am sad, but at the same time i am glad i can just move on and move ahead. One day at a time, we will heal. Knowing is better then waiting. Thank you for all of your prayers and if you wouldn't mind to keep continuing with them to give us a healing heart and also quick healing of my body.

Please Keep Us in Your Prayers.

We could really use some faith and your prayers right now. Thursday was our very first doctor's appointment for Baby Kanengeiser. My body looks great, cervix is still closed, everything good except that my Dr. noticed some brown discharge. I have had no bleeding/spotting so this was news to me. They couldn't find a heartbeat, which isn't too suprising because i am still pretty early on (8 weeks 6 days). It isn't common to detect a heartbeat with a doppler until around 11 weeks. So when Dr. O'Neill came in the room, she brought the portable Ultrasound machine in to take a look. This is where we really starting getting nervous because we didn't see anything there either. She told us not to panic because this is a really old machine and not clear at all. But since she found some brown discharge and had a hard time seeing anything on her machine she sent me for a formal ultrasound. The ultrasound showed a sack but nothing inside. It was measuring at 5 weeks (but according to my LMP I should be 9 weeks). So this wold mean I was either not as far along as I thought or the baby stopped growing. Well we have been keeping track of everything since we were TTC. So there is really no way i was this far off. They had me go and get blood work to see if my HCG level will double by Tuesday. But I am pretty much coming to terms with the fact that I may have lost my baby. I am just so very sad. I cried off and on all day Friday, slept hard until 3:30, and then was up with my mind racing. I finally fell back to sleep and now I just feel numb. I hate this waiting. I know they are trying to be hopeful. But if there is no baby, i just want to move on. The worst part to all of this is that I completely FEEL and LOOK pregnant. I have sore boobs, nausea, fatigue, my belly is getting bigger, and until all the exams and tests I had zero spotting.

Since Friday I have had this very light brown discharge for the past three days, just when I wipe. It reminds me of the very end of a period; when it is pretty much gone but still slightly lingering. When I saw the blood a part of me was relieved that if this is ending at least it is happening soon. And then another part is soooooooo sad. And now, three days later, and it is still the same. I still have no better answer then i did a few days ago. I hate this.
I just really need some hope and faith. I went back today for more blood work to see if there is any doubling time. I am praying that my baby was just too tiny to see and is holding on. If I am doubling then i will have another ultrasound and maybe there will be a baby there.

I belong to a pregnancy forum called Pregnancy Weekly. On here I have a Birth Board where all the women are due in the same month. So we can chat, compare notes so to say, and just get some piece of mind since all these women are going through the same thing you are. It is a fantastic tool to have! Well there is a woman on my board that is going through this right now. At 8 weeks she also had an ultrasound and they discovered a sac but also no baby. Well, she was sent for blood work and her numbers did indeed double. The took her for another ultrasound and low and behold there was a tiny baby and a heartbeat! It had a 9-day growth in 7 days time. She had another u/s 6 days later and it was a 10-day growth. It still shows behind but is catching up. Her doctor is positive that the baby will be fully caught up by the second trimester. From what I understand this is more common then most people think.

After hearing her story I am given some hope. I also wholeheartedly believe in the power of prayer. We are prepared for either outcome, but we aren't giving up until we know 100% that there is no chance. Then we can move ahead and try again. The waiting game is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with! All I can ask from all of you right now is to give us lots of prayers and love.